How to invite guests to wedding ceremony, but not the reception?
T asked:
My fiance and I would love to invite all of our friends to our wedding and reception, however, financially we just can’t do it. The ceremony is free and we want to make it public, however our reception will be for family and close friends only. What is the proper way to invite guests to ceremony and not the reception? (Did I mention both the ceremony and the reception is in the same venue.)
20. December 2009 at 10:17 am
You don’t.
Either cut back the guest list, or find a less-expensive way to throw a party for ALL your guests.
You don’t have to throw a huge banquet for everyone. If you can’t afford it, do something smaller.
If you decide to go ahead and do it anyway, it’s going to be very awkward. You mentioned the ceremony and reception are at the same place? What are you going to do…herd the uninvited guests out so you and the ‘important’ people can party at the reception? I would be horribly offended if a friend or family member invited me to their ceremony, and then deemed me ‘unworthy’ to come to the reception.
I’m not a fan of all the rules surrounding wedding etiquette, but this is ridiculous. Either invite your guest or don’t. You can’t invite them to one thing and not the other.
22. December 2009 at 11:17 am
Well on the invitations, you should just politely say that you would love for everyone to share this beautiful time in your life and come to your wedding, but right now you both cannot afford to have a reception and you two plan to go off together by yourselves on a honeymoon. Then you can just tell your close friends and family to come to the reception obviously making sure they don’t say anything.
22. December 2009 at 3:02 pm
If it’s in the same venue, it would seem rude to “ask” people to leave after the wedding ceremony.
Shoulda chose two different venues and then selected two different kinds of invitations. One with just the wedding, one with both.
24. December 2009 at 2:40 am
i would like to be a fly on the wall after you say your vows and then announce that some people will now have to leave because they arent important enuf to you to get to stay and enjoy the part that cost you money. and then make them shuffle out the door in front of all the people who get to stay.
oh yea that will work just fine.
i hope you are grasping that there is no proper ! way to do this. invite only those who are coming for the whole event. or, instead of all those friends, you will now have a whole bunch of brand new enemies.
when people ask if they are invited, say it is just a small wedding for immediate family. that is the proper way to do it and keep your friends from hating you.
26. December 2009 at 9:52 pm
You can’t do that. It’s rude. You risk losing friendships and other relationships that cannot be repaired if you do.
If you aren’t willing to cut the guest list to those you are inviting to the reception, then have cake and coffee afterwards for your huge crowd. Then discretely have a dinner much later in the evening for your family.
29. December 2009 at 9:28 am
Sorry, but there is absolutely no proper way to do this. An invitation to a wedding includes both the ceremony and the reception. The whole point in the reception is not only to have a party where the new families mingle, but to also thank the guests by providing them with food and beverage for making the trip to see the wedding and more than likely for the gift they bought (in a recession, no less). Saying that only certain guests are invited to the reception (basically having an A and B list) is unacceptable. Slim down the guest list to a number you can afford or find another venue with prices suiting your current guest list are your only two options.
30. December 2009 at 5:39 pm
That is incredibly rude.
You cannot afford to invite everyone to the reception, and that is perfectly understandable. Receptions can get very expensive quickly, so its best to keep your guest list small. But its incredibly rude to invite someone to witness your ceremony, but not to celebrate with you afterward. Face it, you just cant have it both ways!
31. December 2009 at 9:02 am
You don’t. That is poor etiquette. You cut back or find a different venue. Sorry.
31. December 2009 at 7:41 pm
It is extremely rude to invite people to the ceremony and not to the reception. You expect them to get dressed up, travel, buy a gift, sit through your ceremony. and then leave and go to eat at their own expense?
3. January 2010 at 12:51 pm
I would find this really demeaning and upsetting if I was invited to the church and not the reception. I would rather not be invited to either. I would just think that the bridal party was inviting me so they could get a present. I would think they didn’t consider me good enough to go to the reception and I would be upset.
5. January 2010 at 8:52 am
This is a HUGE etiquette faux pas, and I would advise against it. If you can only afford to have family and close friends at the reception, then they are the only people that are invited to the ceremony as well. This practice is a no-no, because it looks like you are trying to get gifts from as many people as possible while spending money on as few of them as possible. You can’t have it both ways.
6. January 2010 at 3:29 pm
There is no way to do this and not alienate a lot of people.
If you insist on going this route, be prepared to say goodbye to a lot of your friends, forever. And also be drowned in wedding etiquette books.
8. January 2010 at 4:42 pm
Please don’t do this. There is no way that the non-invitees won’t hear or figure out about the reception. People expect a reception, so you will either have to lie (and have other people lie) or explain why they weren’t important enough. They may even show up to the reception (since it’s right there) and have to be told there that they weren’t invited. It’s rude and offensive. I would not attend a wedding where the couple didn’t care about me enough to want to celebrate with me.
Most couples have to cut down their guest lists because they want to invite people, but can’t afford to have them all as guests. It’s tough, but it’s a part of wedding planning. You don’t invite people unless you can afford to have them.
10. January 2010 at 1:36 am
For those you wish to include in the reception, you enclose a reception card in the invitation. These are about 3 x4 inches and in your case would simply read “Reception to follow.” Please do not listen to those who tell you that everyone who attends the ceremony must be included in the reception. This is a myth spread by The Wedding Industry in an attempt to sell more stuff.
11. January 2010 at 12:16 am
umm, yea it would be rude to tell them to leave after there already there. either cut down on ur guest list or just have it first come first serve.
12. January 2010 at 3:38 pm
It would be rude to do this. You cannot have some friends over, then after the Ceremony…
“Um, I am sorry every one… but you aren’t on the list for the reception. Just for the Ceremony only. You can all go home now. And thanks for coming”
I would feel hurt if it were me…
Try to work something out… Talk to the catering company to see if they can work some thing out. Tell them
“This economy has taken a token on our Financial stability. Could you possibly offer a discount or something?”
Give them a sad story or something. I don’t think they will refund, so..they might do it…
Ya know… make up some thing that they might give in to =)
16. January 2010 at 1:35 am
Technically speaking, there’s nothing wrong with inviting people to the ceremony only. However, in this day and age, people expect to be included in all the festivities, regardless of the cost. It’s especially problematic because of your venue.
I don’t see a way to make it work without hurting guests’ feelings, honestly.
We have a similar situation though, that we’d like to invite more people than we’re financially able to – and I will tell you how we’re handling it. My fiance manages a restaurant and it seemed like everyone expected to be invited! Like 40 people – and our guest list/budget allows for only 70. He told them he’s sorry he couldn’t invite everyone, but it was going to be a small family event. Our venue requires us to be off the grounds by 11:00, but there’s a bar at the restaurant on-site that stays open until 2:00. He told all of his work friends that once they got out of work (which is right around 11:00 usually), they could certainly join us at the bar on-site after the wedding and reception are over. This seemed to be well-recieved by a lot of people – they don’t feel like they’re supposed to bring gifts, because it’s clear that this is a separate celebration. In the restaurant business, they many times meet for drinks after work anyway – we just asked them to come out to where we’ll already be. Plus – they don’t have to ask off for a night where they’d lose out on $200 in tips.
It worked for us, anyway!
Good luck resolving your dilemma!
19. January 2010 at 2:56 am
There is no proper way to do this. A wedding invitation includes the ceremony and reception. If you cannot afford a large reception then you cannot a large wedding, period. Simply invite family and close friends to both. Congrats on your nuptials!
19. January 2010 at 1:55 pm
Do it the same way that people do for church weddings. Mention to your friends that you really wish you’d been able to invite everyone, and let them know when it is. Do not be offended if they don’t show up, because they are responding to the relative value you have placed on your relationship with them. (i.e. if they aren’t important enough to get invited, then you aren’t important enough for them to attend).
If they’re happening right after each other, then it gets awkward. If, however, you have a break between the wedding and the reception, then it’ll work. It happens all the time at churches. We had several people show up for our wedding who we hadn’t invited, because they wanted to share in our day.
22. January 2010 at 1:17 pm
Here’s an idea; do a cake and punch reception and invite everyone. If you do have it at the same location you can’t make people leave, they are going to want to stay.
23. January 2010 at 5:13 am
gauche gauche gauche. can’t be done and shouldn’t be done. basically you’re telling people ‘you’re important enough to come see our vows and bring us gifts, but if you think we’re paying for you to eat and drink afterward you’re crazy!’ I’ve been to over 20 weddings in probably 6 different US states and I have never heard of this. you can only invite the # of people you can afford, period.
25. January 2010 at 9:28 pm
I would invite everyone to the ceremony and have a cake and punch reception at the church. Everyone has some coffee, punch, tea, snacks and desserts. They mingle, socialize and you (the couple) cut the cake. This would be done in the afternoon so people would be going home around 4pm (or whatever) in time for dinner at home.
When you send out the invites, you would physically call the select few that you want to join you in dinner after the wedding. You would tell them that a cake and punch reception will follow the ceremony but you are having an intimate celebration with family and friends later on and that person is invited. I would actually limit this to your closest family and friends. Don’t have 100 people at your ceremony then 65 at the dinner, that looks like you were picking and choosing. But if you had 100 people at the ceremony and 30 at the dinner, it looks like a group of close people celebrating with a dinner.
I wouldn’t call the dinner a reception, I would just call it a dinner and dance. That way it is like the wedding was over at 4pm and after you chose to have a party.
I know where you are coming from and believe me I was blasted when I asked this, b/c they are right, it doesn’t feel quite right. People will get offended or will tag along thinking they misplaced the reception invite, or both. My fiance has lots of family and wants them all there but realistically we can only afford X number of people, we wanted a way to include everyone but have yet to figure that out.
Hope this helps.
26. January 2010 at 3:08 am
I’m not sure it can be done with them being in the same venue. If it were 2 different venues then you might be able to swing it but having them all to the same venue is just going to seem rude dismissing some of them once the ceremony is through.
I guess you could maybe set up a website or a Facebook event where you could explain that the event is invite only but ALL are welcome to the ceremony but I’m not so sure you won’t offend people.
All the best with it.
27. January 2010 at 8:42 am
I agree with all the others. This is rude and cannot be done.
Obviously, weddings are very expensive and many people understand this. So simply limit your guest list to those who you can afford to come to the ceremony AND reception. You can’t invite people to just the ceremony. They will hang around after….and then what? Are you going to make an announcement that they must leave? Awkward, awkward, awkward!
30. January 2010 at 6:15 pm
You Don’t! If they are good enough for the ceremony they are good enough for the reception it is as simple as that. Some solution would be to have a dessert reception only immediately following the ceremony. Cake ,punch, and nuts, and fruit tray. Or if you want nicer make some tea sandwiches yourself
( you can make these ahead and many freeze well, just be sure to remove from the storage container and thaw them on your serving trays otherwise they will be soggy) to go with the above adding cheese and crackers and a veggie tray with dip. This is a perfectly acceptable solution to your problem without being rude. You are not required to serve a complete meal, but this fact should be on invites Example: “Tea reception to follow” ( this includes the sandwiches and heavier snacks) or “Dessert reception to follow”. This allows guests to be aware that dinner will not be served and eat at home accordingly.
Then go out to a restaurant with the others later.
2. February 2010 at 4:18 pm
Don’t do it. Instead of the guests being touched and honored to be included to witness you getting married, then having to go home because they were not invited to the reception; they will be hurt, insulted and offended.
When I was a kid, my mom got a wedding invitation to the ceremony only, not the reception. She explained to me the ceremony was in a church which is a public place. She threw the invitation in the trash.
5. February 2010 at 3:11 am
I don’t think there is a way to do it that won’t result in hurt feelings. Your guests who were excluded from the reception will feel like you invited them to watch the show and bring a gift, but not partake of the niceties that the “A” list would be receiving. Yuck. I would be pretty offended if I were left off the reception list. And if your wedding and reception are in the same venue — yikes. All of your guests will be mingling — how will you sort them out and gently show the uninvited the exit while simultaneously directing the invited to the bar/hordoeuvres?
5. February 2010 at 6:04 am
Short answer: you can’t without looking rude and entitled.
The reception is meant to thank your guests for supporting you at the ceremony. Every single person at the ceremony MUST without exception be invited to the reception.
If you can’t afford to invite them to the reception, you don’t send them an invitation to the ceremony. Period. No discussion, no exception.
7. February 2010 at 2:24 pm
I agree with Oot n Aboot about everything. Rather don’t call it a reception and don’t just leave out a few people.
My cousin had cake and tea after the ceremony (they did the whole cutting the cake thing) and this allowed everyone at the ceremony to mingle and greet the couple. They had the table set up along the wall with plates, cups and coffee and tea; and once the ceremony was done the church ladies helping out brought in the snacks and the urn of boiling water. This all took about 2 hours and then everyone went home at about 5pm. Then at 7pm the close family and friends met up again for “dinner and a dance”.
The best thing about this is that it gives you a chance to set up the venue for the dinner and dancing. I would just call those people you want to attend the dinner and tell them that there will be a family dinner at X time at the same place. Tell them that you need time to set up so after tea and cake could they go to the nearest family house (or go home for a few hours) and come back at X time.
But I would recommend cutting the cake after the ceremony since a lot of people like to see that and it makes them feel like part of the occasion.
Good luck with everything.